Remember how nursing diagnoses were drilled into our heads in nursing school? Well they missed some. Here are some real-world nursing diagnoses that should have existed.
1) Ineffective Nursing Lingo related to Nursing Grammar Mistakes as evidenced by Pronouncing the Plural Form of “Nursing Diagnosis” as “Nursing Diagnosises.”
2) Excess Know-it-all Attitude related to Online Pop Medicine and Smartphones as evidenced by the patient questioning your every move because they read all about it on the internet and now know more than you.
3) Risk for Horrible Medical Outcome related to Doctor Handwriting as evidenced by the illegible scribbles everyone works together to decipher every day.
4) Disturbed Reality Contact related to Bowel Over-Obsession as evidenced by surgical patients who are way too obsessed with going number 2.
5) Healthcare Relationship Attachment Disorder related to Shift Changes, Schedules, and Large Teams as evidenced by patients who see different Nurses, CNAs, RTs, PTs, OTs and Doctors every shift every day, and having to figure out who everyone is and their names (sometimes without uniforms).
6) Impaired Restfulness related to Being in Your Facility as evidenced by roommates who snore and cough, doors slamming, noisy staff chatter, call bells, beeps in the nights, midnight vitals, early-morning vitals, night-time admissions, terribly uncomfortable mattresses, IV tubing occlusions, bed checks, and more.
7) Impaired Self-Care related to Crappy Discharge Instructions as evidenced by the confusing and non-user-friendly discharge and medication instructions printed out by your computer system.
8) Acute Pain related to Tape as evidenced by the unholy amounts of tape we put on patients, which we then take off before they leave. Free forearm waxes, anybody?